Joy Comes In the Mourning

I got a little emotional during class Sunday morning as we discussed finding joy in our affliction.  We are studying the book of Isaiah, which I've really enjoyed.  It's not really the most uplifting book (overall) but there are great moments of hope to be found as well.  That's one of the many awesome things about God.  He never leaves us without any hope.  The people of Isaiah's day suffered many afflictions.  Many of them were of their own making.  Some were simply the product of living in a fallen world.  Either way, we would be wise to heed the warnings from Isaiah, learn from the mistakes of their time, and to remind ourselves that even in the midst of suffering and woe, God remains faithful to His people.  He will bring restoration.  He will make everything right.  He will bring atonement for us.

So, back to finding joy in our affliction...  You've probably heard the verse, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2).  Well, most of us don't.  Pure joy?  Come on, let's be real.  Pain and suffering hurt.  And we don't like to hurt...at least I know I don't.  But did you know that having joy is not the same thing as being happy?  You can have joy and be sad at the same time.  How?  I'll try to explain.

Noah Webster defines joy as "the passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good; that excitement of pleasurable feelings which is caused by success, good fortune, the gratification of desire or some good possessed, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire; gladness; exultation; exhilaration of spirits. Joy is a delight of the mind, from the consideration of the present or assured approaching possession of a good." (emphasis mine)  Joy is an anticipation of something better, something good, something we desperately want.  It is a confident hope of what our heart most desires.

Today is my brother's birthday.  He would have been 32 years old.  Over three years have come and gone since his death.  I miss him so much.  I miss the sound of his voice, his laugh, his funny phrases like "That's messed up" or "Tighten up".  I'm pretty sure that if he had lived long enough to hear it, "yolo" would have been at the top of that list, too.  (For the older generation, that's short for "you only live once".)  I miss his hugs, as painful as they could be.  I remember one particular time when I hugged him upon seeing him for the first time after several months and it was like hugging a rock!  He was so muscular and strong.  He, on the other hand, probably felt like he was hugging a marshmallow. lol

So, today we have a birthday with no "birthday boy".  This is the fourth time we have endured it and I wonder how many more birthdays we will "celebrate" without him.  So this cycle will continue every year until Jesus returns or we die.    But what else can we do?  We wait.  We give thanks to God that Matt was born.  We give thanks to God for his life, for his influence, and for his heart.  We give thanks to God for His mercy, His forgiveness, His love.  We give thanks that because of His great love, He has given us an escape from despair, pain, and loss.  He is our Hope.  He is...you guessed it...our Joy.  So, today we celebrate Matt's life, earthly as well as eternally.  We wait expectantly for that glorious day when we will see him again face to face and praise our heavenly Father forever and ever and ever amen!...together.  Until then, we will cry tears of joy, for joy can be found in the mourning.  Happy Birthday, lil bro!  Love you bunches!!

Marker Memories

So, I decided to use the kids' bathroom earlier this evening, rather than disturb my husband who loves to sit in ours with the hair dryer running while he either reads or uses the laptop for his schoolwork.  (I just realized how that sounds.  Kind of weird, I guess?  Well, we're a pretty weird bunch for those who hadn't yet noticed. ;))

Anyway, the point is that when I walked in, I didn't notice that Sadie was already in there.  Then I realized that she was very obviously trying to hide from me.  Never a good sign, right?  So, I made her turn around and face me so I could either see what she was hiding or why she didn't want to look at me.  This is what I saw...

 

That's brown marker on her face.  The interrogation went something like this...

Me, in my best calm and collected voice:  Sadie, why have you been writing on your face with a marker?

Sadie:  Because I want to look like different people.

Me, thinking I already knew where this was going:  What do you mean by "different people"?

Sadie:  Because I want to look like brown people!

Ah, Sadie!  How I do love you, girl!  She makes life so fun and unpredictable!

Happy are those who persist...

for they shall receive...eventually!  After much weeping and gnashing of teeth, we FINALLY have our AR tag!  Seriously, that was WAY too complicated.  Shortly after our move, we discovered that our title was lost.  Some of you are already aware of the unpleasantness in our home associated with that.  Yes, we played the blame game.  I kept the title in the van.  Justin found it there and didn't think it wise to leave it in the van (in case someone stole the van, we shouldn't leave the title with them too.  I see his point.) so he brought it inside.  At that point, who knows what happened to it but suffice it to say that when the time came and despite our searching, neither of us knew where to find it. 

So earlier LAST YEAR, we applied for a GA replacement title.  We even paid to have it expedited.  In case you were wondering, the cost for a replacement title is $8.  The additional fee to have it expedited is $10.  And by "expedited", that means you get it (theoretically) in about 2 weeks rather than 4-6 weeks.  The only thing is, we didn't get it in 2 weeks...or 6 weeks...or even 6 months!  In retrospect, I should have been more on top of them about it but hey, life happens.  Besides that, is it too much to ask that people do their job so I don't HAVE to resort to breathing down their necks???  And people want to entrust our government with their healthcare?!  I just don't get it.  Anyway, I digress.  So, September came and having thought of it again, and finding a tiny sliver of time, I sent an email to the lady in charge asking what was taking so long.  I never received a reply.  (P.S.- Have you ever noticed how few government offices' contact information includes a direct line or an extension number to reach someone specific?  And I mean someone whose name is posted on the website with their contact information.  Many times there is either no phone number listed, or just the general number for the entire agency.  Not helpful.  In fact, it's just annoying.)

Lost Titles and Lessons of Laughter

All married couples have them.  Even the good and strong ones like mine and my husband's.  We are by no means immune.  You know what I'm talking about.  The arguments that periodically ensue over the same old things?  You hem and haw and chew on it awhile and then, leaving the issue still unresolved, stick it back on the shelf until the next time one of you gets the urge to take it down, dust it off, and hem and haw over it again.  That's just life, I guess...particularly for two people as bull-headed as we are. lol

Lately, there has been a recurring thorn in our side and hopefully the Georgia Department of Revenue will do something to remedy that very soon.  Without going into the boring details, suffice it to say that my husband and I do NOT like talking about the lost title to our van and the havoc that such a simple thing like that can wreak on our demeanors and the overall pleasantness in our home.

Our latest "episode" happened last night in said van while we were driving down the road...as a family.  Yes, our kids were with us and heard our "argument".  Personally, I like to think that Justin and I disagree in a healthy manner most of the time, if that's even possible.  We don't resort to name calling or screaming or throwing things...most of the time.  (I once threw an entire roll of toilet tissue at him, hitting him in the back of the head with it, but in my defense...I was pregnant at the time.  Those hormones are no joke! ;))  I also don't think we do our children any favors by never fighting in front of them.  I mean, they do need to learn how to respectfully disagree with someone, right?  Only problem is, I'm not sure we were the best role models of that on this particular evening.

Right as we were in the middle of our heated "debate", Josiah started to whine from the back seat, "Mommy, Sadie said I'm..."  Before he could finish I was already getting on to him.  I was stern, focused, and in no mood for their shenanigans with each other.

"Josiah, how many times do I have to tell you guys to just get along?  Now work out your own problems amongst yourselves.  Can't you see that me and your Daddy are fighting right now?"

Naturally, my response to Josiah elicited a snort and a chuckle from my loving husband.  He tried to contain it but let's face it, it was funny.  I couldn't even type what I said without laughing.  What a ridiculous thing to say!  I'm getting on to my son for fighting with his sister while at the same time telling him I can't get involved in their problem because I'm too busy fighting with their daddy.  I definitely need to write that one down in the "Things I Never Thought I'd Say" book...that is, if I ever get one written.

Honestly, we were both glad for the comic relief.  I think it helped us put things in perspective.  I also think that laughter and humor are so important in a marriage.  Things seem to go much more smoothly when we just lighten up and stop taking ourselves so seriously all the time.  It's important to note that our "debate" went right back on the shelf that night still unresolved, but I'm ok with that.  We at least worked out a few things and while we still don't agree entirely on the issue, I believe we understand each other's perspective a little better.  Plus, we have something else to laugh about now.  A sure sign of a healthy marriage, right? :)

Newspaper Nuisance

Until today we had a Sunday-only subscription to the Arkansas-Democrat Gazette strictly for the coupons.  About a month or so ago, we received a notice that the cost was going up from $7.25 to $11.25 per month.  THAT is a significant increase.  I became particularly perturbed by this when our paper was not delivered yesterday, which has happened 3 or 4 times already during the life of our subscription (which is only a once-a-week delivery in the first place).  I bought a paper yesterday for $2.  $2 x 4 weeks= $8, right?  When I called to cancel, they offered us a 6 month extension of $7.95 per month.  I still said no just to avoid the hassle of unreliable delivery.  It pays to call but still frustrating to have to do that...and every other time our paper is not delivered.  I have enough on my plate (as does the majority of the human population) without having to stop and make sure other people are doing their jobs.  I'll just stop by Walgreen's or a gas station from now on.  Good news for the Gazette: newsstand price is still worth the coupons, therefore I will still be buying their paper.  Bad news for the "paper boy".

It's Only God Who Makes You Whole

It's been over 3 years but holidays are still hard.  Not as hard as the first year.  But still hard.  Honestly, this year may be harder than last year simply because this is our family year rotation for Christmas, meaning I would normally be seeing Matt on the 25th along with the rest of the family, whereas last year was an "in-law" year so seeing him for the holidays wasn't expected.

So as Christmas draws nearer and nearer, I still find joy in the season while savoring and creating more precious memories with my husband and children as well as our extended family.  Yet, the ache remains.  The longing for him to be a part of this, for my nephews to be a part of this (another very difficult thing to swallow particularly since they are still alive), for what might have been...  There is a hole, a void, something- nay, someones missing.   And there always will be.

But that doesn't mean we remain stuck in our grief.  It doesn't mean we spend the rest of our lives in misery or dread every holiday.  We have good days and we have bad days.  Hopefully, as time passes and God heals our broken hearts we have more good than bad days.  Those of us who have traveled through the valley of grief and loss understand that feeling, particularly Christians.  We have heartache, but we have hope.  We miss those we love but are thankful that we will see them again and look forward to that day when God makes everything new and there is no more death or crying or sorrow or pain.

I started thinking about Matt on the way home this afternoon.  The kids wanted to listen to one of their CD's for the umpteenth time and one of the songs (which I've heard a zillion times before) really struck a cord this time.  Here are the lyrics and a youtube clip of a children's group singing the song.  The entire musical is really cute so if you are interested in the sheet music or CD, go to kidsworksmusic.com for more information.  The name of the show is "Life is Good" and the title of the song is "Good Grief".  The lyrics that really "hit home" with me are in bold.  If this is your first Christmas without a loved one, first of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Secondly, please take heart and do not fear.  God has overcome the world.  He can heal you.  Going through the fire can and will be painful and for someone as impatient as I am, it can take awhile.  But He will never leave you.  Will you come to Him?  Will you trust Him?  He is waiting.

No one on the planet is happy all the time.

Bad things happen every day.

But if you just remember, that God is there with you,

He will help you when you pray...

"Good grief." (x2 with echo)

It's perfect peace beyond belief.

It's knowing God is in control, good grief.

When something awful happens and you don't understand.

You can't find any hope inside.

The LORD wants you to trust Him, and never be afraid.

His loving arms will hold you tight.

Good grief. (x2 with echo)

It's perfect peace beyond belief.

It's knowing God is in control, good grief.

When trouble robs you like a thief,

It's only God who makes you whole, good grief.

Life is like a roller coaster, full of ups and downs.

Each day has good and bad times, with smiles and frowns.

But God promised to be there through all of our thicks and thins

And after the darkest night a bright new day begins.

Good grief (x2 with echo)

It's perfect peace beyond belief.

It's knowing God is in control.

Good grief (x2 with echo)

When trouble robs you like a thief,

It's only God who makes you whole,

Good grief.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

Psalm 34:18

Bedtime at the Lillard House

Jackson read a story to us tonight about...you guessed it!  Animals!  The title is "I Love Animals!"  Once we reached the "In the Jungle" page, we read about pythons and tigers which led to the following conversation...

Jackson: "Pythons can squeeze and take your breath away so you can't breathe."

Me:  "Yes, you're right.  We should probably stay as far away from them as we can then, huh?"

All 3 kids agree wholeheartedly and Jackson reads the next section about the tiger...

"Tiger, with stripes of orange, white, and black, this tiger's looking for a snack"

Jackson:  "Whoa!  We better look out for that tiger too.  He's hungry!"

Sadie: "Yeah, and tigers eat meat and you know what we have that's inside of us?  Meat!  (pauses for emphasis) AND blood!" (eyes conveying the seriousness of this message.  We would do well to heed her warnings. lol)

After reading time, Sadie begged and pleaded for me to tell her a story while she was lying in her bed...

Me:  "Once upon a time.."

Sadie: "No, Mommy.  You have to turn the light off first."

Me:  "Okay, let's do that."  Light is off.  I start again.

"Once there was a lady named Sadie."

Sadie, giggling: "No, Mom.  Not a real story.  It has to be about a princess."

Me:  "Oh, ok.  Once there was a princess named Sadie."

Sadie, laughing: "Noo, Mom.  You have to use a real princess, like Sofia the first."

Me:  "Ok.  Once there was a princess named Sofia the first."

Sadie, giggling uncontrollably and clearly exasperated with me: "Nooo, Mom.  Hahaha  It's just Sofia.  Her name is not 'the first'.  haha  It's just Sofia. You have to haha start over."

Who knew I was such a bad storyteller?  lol  Tough crowd tonight, I guess? ;)  Memories.  Sweet, sweet memories.