Robin Williams died Monday...but I'm guessing you probably already knew that. Our sister celebrated another year of her birth yesterday...but you already knew that too. Today...well, you know what today is.
Most of the time I keep it together. In fact, most of the time I don't even have to think about "keeping it together"...I just do. Most of the time I'm happy...not pretend-happy, but truly happy.
But there are still days when I'm not. Days like today. I revert to anger. I revert to tears. I revert to questions that I know will never have an answer in this life yet still in my stubborn will, I ask them. "What if only?" "Why?" I ask for the impossible- that I could somehow wake up and realize that ALL of this had just been a bad dream and nothing more- that you are really alive and well and everything in this world is as it should be.
Only it's not. Everything in this world is NOT as it should be. That all started well before your death with the fall of Adam, didn't it? God never said life would be fair, did He? Now the eye of the world is on Robin Williams' death and his recent passing, for me, only amplifies the emotions that come with this season and highlight, yet again, that this world is NOT as it should be.
I'm angry. I'm angry at you for doing something so stupid...and permanent. Did I mention stupid?!(People say not to speak ill of the dead but I'll always be your big sister and that entitles me the right and privilege to call your actions stupid whenever the shoe fits.) I'm angry at myself for not noticing just how far you'd fallen. I'm angry with the world that, instead of learning from others' heartache and pain, continues to kill itself. I mean, suicide is the only cause of death that is 100% preventable. So, why hasn't it been 100% prevented already?! I'm angry that your kids won't know you...might not even know that you ever existed! I'm angry that now when someone asks me how many siblings I have or if I have a brother, that I often have to choose between the simple misleading answer or risk awkwardness with a longer explanation. I don't want to be known as "the woman whose brother killed himself." I'm more than that. YOU were more than that. Excuse my language but it just really pisses me off! How dare you do that!
I'm sad, too. I'm sad that there is so much in this life that you're missing...and will continue to miss. I'm sad that when I lost you, I lost my nephews too. I'm sad (and also angry) that dreams I didn't even know I had are coming true and I find myself thinking- "Matt's missing this." My kids won't grow up with their cousins. We won't take care of mom and Chris together in their old age. I'm sad that my kids won't have Uncle Matt to show them how to throw a baseball or steal a base. I'm sad for our sister that you won't be there to walk her down the aisle when she gets married or to hold her future kids. I'm sad that we won't be grandparents together someday or take vacations together. I'm sad that holidays now aren't quite as boisterous and that an entire appendage of our family tree is now absent at those events.
Justin and I have been toying with the idea of having another kid or two. (This is news to some people. ;)) I've always wanted a big family but for some reason, the thought of having a child that will never meet their "Uncle Matt" (at least in this life) kind of bothers me. It's true that all three of our kids were so young when you died that they most likely don't remember you either but at least they have pictures. They have video footage. They have gifts. Any child we have now won't even have those things to connect with you...just our stories and the photos of others.
I'm concentrating on the burdens right now and ignoring the blessings. I know that. But this is one of the few days of the year where I allow myself to completely fall to pieces if I want to so just give me some room for now.
Up until recently, whenever the kids asked how you died, I'd always say you died of a broken heart. Now that they're older, we've filled in more of the details. I won't lie. It's very jarring and unnerving to hear your 9 year old ask you why your brother killed himself...why he hung himself. How do I answer that when I don't fully know the answer myself?
Matt, you were and still are so dearly and deeply loved. It's impossible for me to imagine you ever not knowing that. If I ever gave you reason to think otherwise, I'm so so very sorry.
It's been 5 years. I've come a long way on this grief journey since that dreadful day, but I've got a ways still yet to go. Through it all, God is faithful. His mercies are new every morning and oh, how thankful I am for that!
Love always and forever,
P.S.-There's been a birth in the family today...but you already knew that, didn't you? <3 p="">