So many times over the last 6 years or so I've gone through bouts of dieting and exercising. I would lose several pounds and "hit a wall", then end up gaining back the weight I'd lost. VERY discouraging. :/ Of course, I put on more weight after Matt died. I was still hanging on to some baby weight before then, too, so... well, you know. At my heaviest (on the home scale), I was 214 lbs. (We all know the doctor's scales add about 15 lbs, right?) Ugh! For someone who's ideal weight is somewhere around 135 to 140 lbs, this was totally unacceptable.
Up until about a month ago, I was weighing myself once a week. After a few weeks of hitting that same wall, I just quit looking at the scale. This time, I refused to be discouraged every week and lose motivation like I had so many times before. I decided that I would continue to exercise, eat healthier and in moderation, and even if I didn't lose another pound, at least I'd be a healthier me.
Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine lost 30 lbs! I'm truly so excited for her and her victory made me curious enough about my own weight to get back on the scale and just see. To my surprise, I finally broke through that wall! After at least 3 years, I am finally under 200 lbs! Whew. After my recent shin splint set-back, this was welcomed good news!
It's ironic to me that part of my weight gain and my weight loss were both related to the loss of my brother. The first from grief, the latter from my decision to honor him by running this Stride to Prevent Suicide 5k on Saturday. How fitting that I should break through this wall now! Thank you, Lord, for your goodness and mercy. Thank you for bringing me back to life and renewing my hope.
I still have a long way to go and even though I've healed considerably since the day I received the worst news of my life, I know there will always be a scar that remains. My life is forever changed and segmented into "life with Matt" and "life after Matt". There's nothing I can do about that fact. It just is what it is. I can, however, choose to live rather than just exist. I can choose more days of happiness over days filled with guilt, grief, and pain. Days of pain will still come and when they do, I will embrace them and not resist...but then I will carry on. For that is life. It reminds me of the moment the veil was torn in two from top to bottom when Jesus died on the cross. Life was forever changed after that moment. His people grieved and despaired until He returned to give them understanding, peace, and hope. Our hope comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. I will see Matt again when everything is made new. Until then, every day is a gift from the Lord...and I have work to do. :)