Matt's Angelversary 2013

Another blank screen with a blinking cursor.  I type something just to fill the space.  There isn't anything of great significance to say...nothing I haven't already said.  And what could I possibly say anyway that is of any importance at all?  I'm not that wise.  None of us are.  I've had a really hard time lately getting my thoughts down in print.  There are currently over 40 drafts in my account right now.  All on different subjects, all equally incomplete, all too "meh" to finish.  Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist in that respect.  Maybe I feel like I need to post something profound or not post anything at all.  I don't know...but it bugs me.  I want to blog again and right now I sort of feel stuck.

Today has been a weird day.  It's Matt's angelversary and so he's been on my mind today moreso than most days.  Even so, I've had true moments of happiness as well.  Moments when I caught myself not even thinking about it being Matt's angelversary...and then feeling guilty for forgetting.  Is that what happens after 4 years?  You forget??  I could NEVER forget my brother.  NEVER!  So, what happened?  I don't know.  Life, I guess?  Matt wouldn't want his death and consequently my mourning to consume the rest of my life.  I know that.  But shouldn't I spend ALL of today at least thinking about him?  I've cried today.  I'm crying now.  Earlier my dear autistic son said to me, "Mommy, please don't cry.  It hurts me."  I was so touched by his comment and it occurred to me that grief doesn't just hurt the mourner.  It hurts those we love to see us mourning.  At least, I know I hurt when someone I love is hurting, whether it be emotional or physical pain.  I hate it.  It's awful.

Grief will make you do crazy things.  Did you know that we have a hide-a-bed loveseat that is on its last leg...seriously looks like a dog got a hold of it and ripped the fabric off, chunks of padding are missing from the arms and the cushion has been ripped and re-sewn twice and needs a third treatment?  I don't want to get rid of it.  Why?  Because Matt slept on it.  Our recliner is losing upholstery at the seat and the padding underneath is peeking out at the crease between the seat and the back...but Matt sat in it.  Our dining table is one we had growing up.  It has scratches but we had meals together there as teens.  It's just furniture, right?  I can't take it with me and having it here isn't going to bring him back, right?  But maybe having them around makes him feel that much closer.  Maybe I like the reminder that they bring.  Memories that are attached to these inanimate objects that no one else would place much value in.  Truly the furniture itself isn't worth much.  But the memories...the memories are priceless.  Will I ever be able to let them go?  How many things does a person need to hold on to after losing a loved one?  What's a healthy number?  I have a jacket, t-shirts, jeans, even undershirts and socks.  Socks?!  I picture Matt rolling his eyes at me and saying, "Deedubber, what are you doing?  You really think it would hurt my feelings if you got rid of my socks??  You really think you'd forget about me if you got rid of them?  Come on, now.  Tighten up."  I know it's irrational.  I know it is.  I can't seem to shake it, though.  I don't want to shake it.

He may not be here physically, but he is still very much alive in my memory.  Maybe I'm afraid of forgetting him...forgetting those memories that are so precious to me now.  Walking through this angelversary with moments where my thoughts were NOT on him causes me to think that it's actually remotely possible for me to forget.  Maybe that's why I cling to every little shred that's left of him here on earth.  Have you seen the movie "Ghost"?  I can totally relate to Demi Moore's character in the scene where she picks up a half-empty roll of roll-aids that Patrick Swayze's character left behind in his desk.  It's ridiculous to keep roll-aids, of course, but I understand it.

Yes, today has been a weird day.  I don't know how else to describe it.  It has been sad, happy, maddening, guilt-ridden, enlightening and silly.  I took the kids out to the basketball court today so they could ride their scooters.  We have to walk through an open lawn courtyard to get there and there's another open lawn courtyard on the other side of  the court.  Today...today they were both teeming with dragonflies.  If you know me at all, you know why that's significant.  It was so amazing that I wanted to get a picture of it.  Naturally, of course, the camera couldn't be located so you'll just have to take my word for it.  It was amazing.  We met a neighbor on the way back who was out walking his dog and even he commented on how unusual it was to see SO many dragonflies in the yard.  God may or may not have put them there just for me but I'll tell you this much...He certainly gave me eyes to see them, and for that, I am very thankful.  Did you know that Native American tribes believe the dragonfly signifies happiness, speed, and purity?  It also represents transformation and the ever constant process of change.  That's how I remember Matt...happy, vibrant, fast, and with a childhood innocence (naivete?) that he never outgrew.  No dream was too big.  Nothing was too far out of reach.  This realization about his personality is what makes his death that much more unbelievable.  He was our dreamer!  Forever optimistic about the future and what could happen.  NEVER willing to give up and throw in the towel.  He inspired us all!  So, how?  I may never know.  What was he thinking?  A moment of weakness.  We all have them.  No one is immune.  His death has been a transforming experience for all of us.  I find myself in this ever constant process of change and sometimes, frankly, I don't like it.  I don't feel ready for change.  It feels too much like letting go which is something I don't want to do.  That's part of the healing journey, though, isn't it?  Change.  Being transformed.  So, I'll do my best.  God is walking with me, even carrying me sometimes.  The healing continues.  His mercies are new every morning.  <3 br="">

Dear Cashiers...

I'm forming an organization.  I know you've been here.  Membership is free!  Join now!  ;)

Dear grocery cashiers and bag checkers all across America,

I realize that you aren't getting rich at your job (and the sight of my coupons just annoyed the bejeezes out of you), nor are you generally receiving mountains of praise to keep your spirits up but please, please, please, please, PLEASE for the love of all things good and holy DON'T take it out on my shopping cart.  Instead, try taking pride in a job well done, no matter how mundane it may seem.  I really detest digging my produce out from under heavy bottles of juice, bleach, and vinegar, not to mention the plethora of canned foods piled high atop my fresh fruit.  I wasn't planning to make wine with my grapes or pasta sauce with my tomatoes, thank you very much.  

And when I take the time to sort 'like' things on the conveyor belt, it's not to make my job of unloading groceries at home any easier, it's to help YOU load my shopping cart without me being forced to make and bake banana bread from the baby food that's left on the bottom as soon as I get home.  I don't have a baby anymore.  I don't need freshly prepared baby food.  All of my family members now have all of their teeth (well, almost ;)).  I mean, I love banana bread and strawberry jam as much as the next person and I appreciate your kindness in eliminating one of the steps in either of those recipes, but not only did I plan other uses for my bananas and strawberries that don't require pulverization, I don't have the time to prepare a dozen homemade fruit and/or omelet dishes after a 3 hour visit to your store.  

You are young so you probably haven't experienced this yet, but did you realize that children are time and energy-suckers?  Not a flattering description of them, I know, but nonetheless true.  They will just suck you dry of all your time and energy.  Now, they are the most precious gifts on this earth and time spent with them is never wasted, but I don't care who you are...even Martha Stewart wouldn't want to spend her entire evening in the kitchen baking homemade entrees after a full-day alone with 3 incredibly energetic kids.  (I don't know how many times I've wished I could bottle that up and sell it!  We'd be beyond wealthy!)  My kids are great and we enjoy spending time together.  But, still...They. suck. you. dry!  

That's to say nothing of the money I just spent purchasing all that produce...even taking the time to hand select most of it, only to have it squished beyond recognition once it is transferred from the buggy I packed to the buggy you packed.  Those grapes were not cheap ya know, and if they make it to my home in one piece, the whole bag will be devoured in less than 24 hours.  I guarantee you that!  I'd still like to have those 24 hours I just purchased though, brief as they may be.

So, please be courteous enough to at least attempt to not flatten my bread or make sawdust out of my chips.  (What can I possibly do with a bag of sawdust chips besides tilt them up to my mouth and eat them like some kind of animal?  Top a casserole?  Sure, but there again, I have to make one first.)  If you will do me the honor of being intentional in the packing of my groceries, I will be sure to thank you so that you know your effort is not in vain.  I believe I speak for all exhausted mothers out there when I say, your consideration is greatly appreciated!

Have mercy,

Stephanie, Founder of Moms for the M.O.B. (Mission: Orderly Bagging)

Feminism: The "Ugly" Head

Feminism seems to be rearing its ugly head everywhere I turn.  I say "ugly" because the older I get, the more convinced I become that this is not a godly way to live.  Call me old-fashioned, that's okay with me.  Honestly, I didn't used to think this way.  I was mostly on board the "feminist bandwagon" not that long ago (never did go the "pro-choice" direction), declaring the injustices and oppression of women and shunning the traditional stereotype of us as "merely" wives and mothers.  After all, we are not just mindless baby-making machines.  We have brains and we don't need a man to complete us!  I remember vividly the day I left for college and my loving, well-intentioned grandfather said, "Now, you go and find yourself a good, Christian young man to marry."  I was so offended!  How dare he?!  I was there to get an education!  I didn't need a man to complete me and that was certainly not the reason I enrolled!  (Though, I did keep my eyes and options open. ;)) 

Whatever you believe, be fair and consistent.  Our society has moved from "equal rights for women" to "no respect for men".  Are you advocating equal rights or gender domination?  If you are a Christian, remember that your husband is the head of your household.  If you hate that you were born a woman or have a problem with male headship, you'll have to take that up with the Creator Himself.

Photo credit:  Women Stomping Man

More cries of inequality, "Equal pay in the workplace!  Husbands should do the same amount of work at home as we women do!  After all, we didn't make those babies by ourselves and we're not the only ones who live here."  Sounds fair, right?  I'm all for fair and there is some legitimacy to these cries...some.  Let's start with equal pay.  Do men take maternity leave?  Typically not, although I'll grant that some have that luxury.  And what of the hospital bill for the birth?  If your kids get sick at school, who typically goes to pick them up?  Each family is different and certainly there are other factors and considerations at play in these situations but generally speaking, can you see how this could affect what salary an employer pays a woman versus a man in the same position?  As a general rule, is the woman doing the same amount of work as the man?  If so, then yes, she should receive equal pay.  But before bemoaning the injustice of it all, I implore you to keep these things in mind. 

Next, housework and caregiving.  This one is addressed more specifically to housewives like me or those who work part-time.  You are at home...working.  Presumably, your husband is working.  If he's not, then you have a legitimate complaint.  He should do more to help out.  I sympathize with those of you with babies at home.  They are demanding.  They are taxing.  By the time your husband comes home, you are worn slap out and there is still dinner, bath, and bedtime left to do before the day is done.  Rejuvenate yourself by napping when they do.  Your husband doesn't usually have this luxury.  In most instances, it could get him fired.  Most days you get to play with your little one(s), too.  It's fun, right?  Not every minute of every day is a burden.  If it is, you've got bigger problems on your hands than "women's oppression".  Does your husband enjoy his job or is he sacrificing to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table?  Again, I'm not saying that your complaint isn't legitimate.  It may very well be.  I'm just asking you to try and see things from your husband's point of view and remind you of the contributions he is already making for you and your family.  Let him know he is appreciated and that his sacrifices and hard work are not in vain.  Instead of beating him up, build him up.  If you don't, who will?  Here is a piece of advice that I've found helpful as well:  Ask for help.  Be direct.  That's not something that many of us women are very good at doing.  I know I wasn't.  I would fume and stew and then Justin would have the audacity to ask, "What's wrong?" 

"Pbbth!  What's wrong??  How dare he?!  If he loved me, he would just know.  I wouldn't have to tell him."  Sound familiar?  Wow.  Talk about unfair.  "How can he not see that I'm drowning in children's tears, dirty dishes, and a sea of unrelenting laundry?"  (Seriously.  He doesn't see it.)  Then you think, "I married an idiot."  Well, guess what?  I'm thankful for my idiot and you should be thankful for yours, too! lol  If he thought like me and came home "seeing" this, he would be just as stressed as I am looking at it.  Two stressed out spouses/parents are one too many!  So, yes.  I'm telling you to be thankful that he has no clue.  I'm telling you to ask for his help (in a kind and thoughtful way).  Despite what the world will tell you, he wants to please you.  Show him how and thank him when he does.  And that brings me to my next point...

Don't treat him like he is stupid.  He's not.  Besides that, if he is stupid, what does that say about you for marrying him?  In relation to that, don't talk to other people about how "stupid" he is either.  (Now you say, "But Stephanie, you just called your husband an idiot on a public platform."  Yes.  Yes, I did.  I did it to prove a point and if you've been married any length of time, I assure you that both of you have thought that about the other at some point in time.  I am an idiot sometimes, too.  Reality is your friend, ladies.  Reality is your friend. ;))  I've witnessed too many women who make a regular habit of making fun of their husbands to other women.  The next time you are tempted to do the same, ask yourself how you would feel if he were to talk to his friends about you that same way.

I hope to write more posts on how to be more godly women, addressing specific challenges many of us face in this day and age.  I haven't mastered any of this, mind you.  I'm a work in progress and will be until the day I die.  So let's just walk this journey together, vowing to be the kind of wife and mother deserving of the praise and adoration of our husbands and children, and confident in our worth and value that only comes from the Lord.

Submitting to your husband does not mean you are less valuable than he is.  It means you value him more than you value yourself.  Let's be holy, God-fearing women of service and devotion, rather than women of selfish pursuit and ambition.  Don't I know that women are people too and deserve to be treated fairly?  Of course.  Now define "fairly".  Don't I know that men do stupid things sometimes?  (I think we've already established my thoughts on that. ;))  Don't I know that men are selfish sometimes?  Newsflash: so are we. 

Treat your man with respect, not ridicule.  If he is any kind of man at all, he will thank you for it naturally, without your nagging or manipulation, and you'll both be better for it.  If not, love him anyway. 

You were made for him...so he wouldn't live alone. 
Not to be his servant, but to be his soul-mate.  What an honor and privilege! 

Jesus came for all of us...so we would live! 
Not to be our servant, but to be our Savior.  But guess what? 
He saved us through His service and submission to God. 

Does Jesus' value not exceed our own?  Wasn't He God in the flesh?  Being equal to God?  If He didn't consider equality something to be grasped, why should we?  Does that mean we are to be doormats?  No.  Was Jesus a doormat?  No.  He knew His worth and so had no need to demand "equal rights".  Instead, he honored and fought for the rights of others.  Women, children, the sick and elderly, the poor and needy.  Oughtn't we do the same?

Photo credit: Airmiles Files

Let's strive to be a soul-mate through our service and submission to our husband, bringing him honor and praise at the city gates.  Peace.

Measuring Maturity: Star Trek vs. Boy Bands

My husband and I watched an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" on Netflix last night which led to the following conversation:

Justin:  Just think, you were 11 years old when this show first came out.

Me:  Yeah, but I didn't like this one as much.  I was still a Captain Kirk fan.

Justin: Why is that?  This one is so much better.

Me:  Well, the original happened during more of my "childhood" days so maybe it's more sentimental to me?  Once I got to be 11-12ish, I was much more interested in boys, I guess, so I didn't care so much about it.

Justin:  I watched it at that age and loved it!

Me:  Mehh, well.  Girls mature faster than boys do.

Justin:  Oh.  Like chasing after boy bands like New Kids On the Block?  'Cause that's SO much more mature, right?

Me:  Speaking of, did you know that Joe McIntyre was at the Boston Marathon and he crossed the finish line only 5 minutes before the bomb went off?

Justin:  Did you know that I'm a bit disturbed to know that you know that?  ...How do you know that?

Me:  He tweeted it and then it got posted to their facebook fan page.  See how mature I am?

In all seriousness, our thoughts and prayers are with the families suffering right now from this terrible act of violence.  It is unimaginable to me what could make someone do such a horrific thing!

Humor is our healing balm and that's how we cope and manage around here.  Finding tidbits of humor here and there...it lifts your spirits, if only the tiniest bit, offering hope and strength to live again.  I pray that you will savor moments of happiness today, no matter what troubles you face.

Starbucks: Holy Detrimony

You may have heard of the recent comments made by the CEO of Starbucks.  His intolerance of those who support traditional marriage made me seriously question why we allow them on our Christian campuses.  I am all for free speech and freedom of religion.  I'm not about to demand that they see things my way or keep their mouth shut.  However, I do not think it is wise nor beneficial for them to continue to have a presence on our Christian campuses when they publicly oppose values and beliefs that we hold dear.  How can we profess to promote and preserve traditional marriage while at the same time having the "opposing team" occupying our own campuses?  Our message loses its value and credibility and our witness simply becomes a watered-down version of the greater American world-view.  Taking a stand is not very popular but we're not called to be popular and trendy.  We are called to be holy, blameless, a living sacrifice, Christ-like.  It is time to sacrifice our pride and possibly our reputation to defend what we know to be true and right.  Jesus upset a lot of folks with what He had to say.  The truth ended up costing Him his life.  What if He had remained silent?  We are called to be like Him.  We wear His name, for goodness sakes- Christians.  Think about that for a minute and let it sink in.  There is a time to be silent.  This is not that time!

Searcy is the Greatest!: A Couple's Debate

The following is a conversation that Justin and I had in the car on the way home from church this afternoon.  I am blessed with a husband who is very good at noticing inconsistencies and shining a spotlight on them.  Not everyone can appreciate such a gift, but I do.  It keeps things interesting.  :)

Justin: "Ah, Searcy, Arkansas!  The greatest town in all of America!  Isn't that right, 'Momma'? (no response)  I say, 'Isn't it, 'Momma'?'"

Me: "Eh, maybe."

Justin: "What?  Why not?  Where else is better and why?"

Me: "...I don't know."

Justin: "Then, we're agreed! Searcy is the greatest!"

Me: "Hmm...I can agree that it's 'one of'."

Justin: "'One of'?  Why just 'one of'?"

Me: "Well, I haven't lived in every town in America so I can't say with certainty that Searcy is THE greatest."

Justin: "Well, I guess you can't say with certainty that I'm the greatest husband either, then, since you haven't been married to every man in America, huh?"

Me: "Touche, husband.  Touche."

Justin: "Then, we're agreed!  Searcy is the greatest!  Maybe I should have been a lawyer after all. What do you think?"

Me: "Yep, you'd have made a good one."

Lessons from a 6 Year Old: A Rose is Blooming

 My facebook status update last night: 

"I think I missed my calling as a firefighter since all I ever seem to do is put out fires. I'm really highly qualified. ;) Currently, I'm trying to smother the flames that Rhea Lana consigning has created. In the meantime, our apartment is catching fire. Then, of course, there's the MOPS newsletter that is FULLY ablaze. (Whose brilliant idea was that again? ;)) Spring break x 2 (my husband's, then the boys'), birthdays x 2 (mine, then Sadie's), Easter... You get the picture.  March is an inferno!"

With that in mind, here is what happened on the drive to school this morning: